Is it possible to see yourself in the process of decomposing while you are still alive?
The last couple of days have made me want to just pull my own plug, and turn in my Believer Card to my Maker.
"Here I am. I am done. I believe in You. Please take me into Heaven because a. You are merciful b. You love me more than life itself c. It looks like the country is taking a turn for the worse very shortly, and I did not vote for it, pray for this to happen, donate to the wrong people or even watch Oprah, who evidently is the new Antichrist. d. Relationships with church people are driving me to the brink of (Insert something desperate, but non-violent in here, thank you.) e. All of the above
Running away never solves anything, even running to Heaven, although I hear the shadow is a great place to be. (Psalm 91) The truth is that as we stay and face up to our own insecurities and the blatant insensitivity and ungratefulness of the body of Christ is when we are being most Christ-like, and most God-like. In the sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us that his Father is kind to the ungrateful et al.
Being like Jesus, means that I am going to die to some/all, depending on the day, of my personal goals and ambitions because how I treat people is more important than how they treat me.
When people in the body of Christ engage in activities and speech than is offensive to us, and we take the time and care to approach them to deal with the offenses because we care about maintaining relationships, a value that is high on God's list as well, (Keep your offering until you make things right with your brother.) and we are scorned, disbelieved, rejected, lectured, and dissed, there is some dying in that. We get to die to our ideas of what great fellowship looks like because sometimes there is blood on the floor, and we find out it is ours. We get to die to our illusions that our spiritual leaders are really sensitive and compassionate, because we find out that they not only have feet of clay, but that the reason they have so many problems getting along with people is that they do not have the people skills of a Kmart cashier, despite their great spiritual gifting or calling.
Oh well. I am staying on earth. And I am dying to a few things this week, and probably decomposing a little more next week. Somewhere in all of this will turn up life. It's on the back of my Believer Card. He who loses his life will find it. Doesn't say where or when, but will. Maybe in Reno...maybe in Boise...but it will happen, just like the sun coming up.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Blew It
I did something today that I have not done for a long time. I blew it. I was mad that no one did the dishes while I was gone last night, even though I made all the food and set the table for them. I was mad that they used my best cookie sheet to stick some BBQ'd chicken in the oven and have apparently ruined my cookie sheet. I have guarded my two best cookie sheets for years from pizza and assorted things that would ruin the finish, and now this. I was mad that Abby got up 2 hours later than I did and then said that she was ditzing on the computer instead of doing school because she had to wait for me. I was mad because some other people, not related to me, seem to have presumed to direct and control my plans. Those who know me, know how much I just love that. Other things, which I am not mentioning, have been pretty stressful as well. So, I blew it. I yelled. I stormed. I said I was taking today off of school. I pushed a stool with a brisk squeaky action with enough strength to make it crash a little, although it didn't do any damage. I told Abby she was doing all of her work by herself today. So there.
I went to the basement to do someone else's laundry, and talk it all out with the Lord. He is the only Person in the universe who is not threatened by angry women who have absolutely had it. The Red Cross had the misfortune to call and want my blood at that moment. The Nerve. I politely let them know that I would not be giving them any more blood. I am off the list.
When I started praying, and unloading everything with the Lord, it occurred to me that I am really weary in my soul. I thought about the marathon and how wearying that it turned out to be, how I felt completely overwhelmed when I was on the last fifth of the race. That's when my friend, Lynn B., came and parked her car and ran the last five miles with me. There was no glory in it for her at all. It wasn't even a good work out for her because I was going so darn slowly. When I thought about how weary that I was, and how much I appreciated her sacrifice for me, it made me cry. Suddenly it dawned on me that it was so touching because she was acting like God does. He does that for us. Doctrinally, I know that He is always with us, but sometimes when we are just weary in our souls and want to quit, we just need a good dose of His presence to make us good to go again. Patient endurance can come just from being encouraged at the right time by a Friend who wants to see you succeed by not quitting. A very gracious Friend.
I went to the basement to do someone else's laundry, and talk it all out with the Lord. He is the only Person in the universe who is not threatened by angry women who have absolutely had it. The Red Cross had the misfortune to call and want my blood at that moment. The Nerve. I politely let them know that I would not be giving them any more blood. I am off the list.
When I started praying, and unloading everything with the Lord, it occurred to me that I am really weary in my soul. I thought about the marathon and how wearying that it turned out to be, how I felt completely overwhelmed when I was on the last fifth of the race. That's when my friend, Lynn B., came and parked her car and ran the last five miles with me. There was no glory in it for her at all. It wasn't even a good work out for her because I was going so darn slowly. When I thought about how weary that I was, and how much I appreciated her sacrifice for me, it made me cry. Suddenly it dawned on me that it was so touching because she was acting like God does. He does that for us. Doctrinally, I know that He is always with us, but sometimes when we are just weary in our souls and want to quit, we just need a good dose of His presence to make us good to go again. Patient endurance can come just from being encouraged at the right time by a Friend who wants to see you succeed by not quitting. A very gracious Friend.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Ryan's Tender Heart
Yesterday Ryan started telling me about a elementary aged boy in northern Idaho who was being beaten by his parents and was removed from his home and put with a foster family. Eventually, the boy went before a judge, who wanted to place him with different extended family members, his grandparents. The boy said that they would beat him as well. The judge suggested an aunt and uncle. The boy protested that they would beat him as well.
At this point I explained to Ryan that when a family is so dysfunctional as to beat a child in the way that this boy had been beaten, that often the violence is rooted in the extended family. As I waited to hear the conclusion of the story, I felt kind of a sad anticipation, and wondered if the reason Ryan was bringing this up was that one of our friends was taking in this young boy.
Ryan added that the judge asked the boy where he wanted to be placed, if he could choose any place. The boy answered, "I want to live with the Idaho Vandals, because they never beat anybody."
At this point I explained to Ryan that when a family is so dysfunctional as to beat a child in the way that this boy had been beaten, that often the violence is rooted in the extended family. As I waited to hear the conclusion of the story, I felt kind of a sad anticipation, and wondered if the reason Ryan was bringing this up was that one of our friends was taking in this young boy.
Ryan added that the judge asked the boy where he wanted to be placed, if he could choose any place. The boy answered, "I want to live with the Idaho Vandals, because they never beat anybody."
Friday, November 14, 2008
Well, People Are Coming
I am not sure why, but we are having a terrible time trying to make friends at church.
We usually make friends by spending time with people at church, a.k.a. Sunday school or small groups, but this church does not have those things. I tried to make friends by serving, but I only became acquainted with the secretary because the building was empty, no big surprise here, when you are cleaning it. I worked in the nursery for the Saturday night services this summer, and also came up empty. There was never more than one child at a time in there. Well, once I had two children, and talked to one of the moms who hung around a while, but they did not stay at the church. They were just visiting and trying to decide whether or not to leave their old church. Total strikeout.
Another way we have of making friends at churches is by having people over for dinner. Everyone whom we have gotten to know in this way has left the state. One left the country; she moved to Australia. She sends me fascinating emails replete with photos of all that they are doing and experiencing, and sweet personal notes and encouragements that she is praying for me. Alas, she is an email friend. We need some flesh and blood friends.
Our final way of making friends is by having parties. We are supposed to have one tonight, and I think that it may have bombed before it even started.
Hey!!! The phone rang. Aimee and Brent are coming...It may be a fun time after all.
I will let you know.
We usually make friends by spending time with people at church, a.k.a. Sunday school or small groups, but this church does not have those things. I tried to make friends by serving, but I only became acquainted with the secretary because the building was empty, no big surprise here, when you are cleaning it. I worked in the nursery for the Saturday night services this summer, and also came up empty. There was never more than one child at a time in there. Well, once I had two children, and talked to one of the moms who hung around a while, but they did not stay at the church. They were just visiting and trying to decide whether or not to leave their old church. Total strikeout.
Another way we have of making friends at churches is by having people over for dinner. Everyone whom we have gotten to know in this way has left the state. One left the country; she moved to Australia. She sends me fascinating emails replete with photos of all that they are doing and experiencing, and sweet personal notes and encouragements that she is praying for me. Alas, she is an email friend. We need some flesh and blood friends.
Our final way of making friends is by having parties. We are supposed to have one tonight, and I think that it may have bombed before it even started.
Hey!!! The phone rang. Aimee and Brent are coming...It may be a fun time after all.
I will let you know.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Non-Conformist
Non-conformist is a label that I give myself when I realize that my opinion differs with everyone else's opinion, and my opinion, which I am usually passionately ready to die for, is likely to be very unpopular.
Having a label for myself like that insulates me a little from small minded people who disagree with me. Not all people who disagree with me are small minded, but I have run across quite a few. They want to make me unhappy, in addition to being unpopular, because I disagree with them. It is an emotional power play. Thinking people resist all such small minded attempts to force us to conform. I think that I learned this when I was a preschooler. I have practiced.
So, when other people call me a name for being different or disagreeing with them, I automatically insert the word 'non-conformist' in its place, so their label doesn't float around in my head and weaken my position.
I was caught off guard on Tuesday night, when a class mate called me unorthodox. To his shock and chagrin, I replied that, "Yes, I am." The implication being that he had to just deal with it because I had no intentions whatsoever of entering into the "What can I change to please you?" mind game.
Today, I looked up unorthodox and discovered that the first definition had to do with not conforming to established doctrine, and the second definition dealt with being unconventional.
It made me mad, but I got over it.
However, I thought that I should come up with some snappy comebacks, in case it ever happens again.
"Yes, I am unorthodox, but I don't recall ever hearing an original thought come out of your mouth."
"Unorthodox, sure I am. I bet that the last time you thought outside the box was when your mom got a new refrigerator."
"Unorthodox? Thanks. I didn't realize I had made it to the top of the heap."
What did I do that was so unorthodox? I asked a question. Actually, I asked permission to ask a question about a text we were reading outside of class. Of course, it was a question over a doctrinal point that I disagreed with, but he had no way of knowing that.
I am glad I am over it.
I am so over it. :)
Having a label for myself like that insulates me a little from small minded people who disagree with me. Not all people who disagree with me are small minded, but I have run across quite a few. They want to make me unhappy, in addition to being unpopular, because I disagree with them. It is an emotional power play. Thinking people resist all such small minded attempts to force us to conform. I think that I learned this when I was a preschooler. I have practiced.
So, when other people call me a name for being different or disagreeing with them, I automatically insert the word 'non-conformist' in its place, so their label doesn't float around in my head and weaken my position.
I was caught off guard on Tuesday night, when a class mate called me unorthodox. To his shock and chagrin, I replied that, "Yes, I am." The implication being that he had to just deal with it because I had no intentions whatsoever of entering into the "What can I change to please you?" mind game.
Today, I looked up unorthodox and discovered that the first definition had to do with not conforming to established doctrine, and the second definition dealt with being unconventional.
It made me mad, but I got over it.
However, I thought that I should come up with some snappy comebacks, in case it ever happens again.
"Yes, I am unorthodox, but I don't recall ever hearing an original thought come out of your mouth."
"Unorthodox, sure I am. I bet that the last time you thought outside the box was when your mom got a new refrigerator."
"Unorthodox? Thanks. I didn't realize I had made it to the top of the heap."
What did I do that was so unorthodox? I asked a question. Actually, I asked permission to ask a question about a text we were reading outside of class. Of course, it was a question over a doctrinal point that I disagreed with, but he had no way of knowing that.
I am glad I am over it.
I am so over it. :)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Things I Lost At the Marathon
I meant to put this in the other day, but, "Oh, well."
The City of Trees Marathon was on a pretty brisk day for Boise, so I wore a t shirt over a tank top with a pair of shorts and a belted waist fanny pack for runners with a water bottle. I wore sunglasses. Woo-hoo.
I bought the fanny pack on the day before the race because I was afraid that they would not have enough water stops. That freaked me out, so I did what no marathoner is supposed to do. You are never supposed to ever change anything the day before the race. You ONLY do what has already worked for you. So...I broke the rule, and I am glad that I did. There were no bad consequences. It is really a good rule for marathoners because even wearing a different t-shirt than you normally do can cause major grief for you.
For instance, I had to buy a product at the running store called Glide, because when I put on long mileage days, just the rubbing of my tank top on my arms made very painful red welts where the skin had worn off in just one practice run. When you are repeating the same motion, over and over, you have to be careful of little things like that.
At any rate, I was happy for the extra t-shirt. It was an ugly green one that Mr. Sinta had not worn for years, so he donated it to the cause. On about mile ten, every article of clothing that I had was already soaked through with sweat, so I discarded the t-shirt. I did not want to be a trashy runner, so I gave it to a person who was directing traffic and asked them to dispose of it as I was running past. Amazingly, she assured me that she would not put it in the trash, but would donate it to charity. This is Boise's North End. They are an amazing bunch. I recycle. And I donate things to charity, but I live on the Bench. Roughly translated, that means if you hand me a sweaty t-shirt at a marathon, I am going to put it in the nearest trash can. This is not a slam on the North End. It is an observation. They are different. They care about the environment more than you care for some of your relatives.
I have had a change of heart toward the North End since I ran down Harrison Blvd. This is one of the richest streets in town. You probably don't live there unless you inherited the house, or you own quite a bit of a Fortune 500 corporation, you are a physician or you are on the board at Micron. Nevertheless, when I ran by, an old overweight solo runner who was so far back that I could not even find the trash that the pack left behind, they came out in their front yards and cheered and clapped for me. It was a very humbling and uplifting experience. I even high fived a two year old. I love you, North End!
Okay, so what did I lose? When I took off the t-shirt, I forgot that my sunglasses were on top of my head, and evidently they dropped into the street. That accounts for two losses, the shirt and the sunglasses.
The third loss is kind of gross, and if you have a weak stomach, you may want to skip this and come back another day. You were warned.
When I took off my shoes at home, I could see that one of my toes looked deformed. It had a very huge blister underneath one of the toe nails. I will spare you the details, but later this month, that toenail fell off. Isn't that strange?
The positive side is that I got to wear one of my Hello Kitty band aids for a few days. I love Hello Kitty.
The City of Trees Marathon was on a pretty brisk day for Boise, so I wore a t shirt over a tank top with a pair of shorts and a belted waist fanny pack for runners with a water bottle. I wore sunglasses. Woo-hoo.
I bought the fanny pack on the day before the race because I was afraid that they would not have enough water stops. That freaked me out, so I did what no marathoner is supposed to do. You are never supposed to ever change anything the day before the race. You ONLY do what has already worked for you. So...I broke the rule, and I am glad that I did. There were no bad consequences. It is really a good rule for marathoners because even wearing a different t-shirt than you normally do can cause major grief for you.
For instance, I had to buy a product at the running store called Glide, because when I put on long mileage days, just the rubbing of my tank top on my arms made very painful red welts where the skin had worn off in just one practice run. When you are repeating the same motion, over and over, you have to be careful of little things like that.
At any rate, I was happy for the extra t-shirt. It was an ugly green one that Mr. Sinta had not worn for years, so he donated it to the cause. On about mile ten, every article of clothing that I had was already soaked through with sweat, so I discarded the t-shirt. I did not want to be a trashy runner, so I gave it to a person who was directing traffic and asked them to dispose of it as I was running past. Amazingly, she assured me that she would not put it in the trash, but would donate it to charity. This is Boise's North End. They are an amazing bunch. I recycle. And I donate things to charity, but I live on the Bench. Roughly translated, that means if you hand me a sweaty t-shirt at a marathon, I am going to put it in the nearest trash can. This is not a slam on the North End. It is an observation. They are different. They care about the environment more than you care for some of your relatives.
I have had a change of heart toward the North End since I ran down Harrison Blvd. This is one of the richest streets in town. You probably don't live there unless you inherited the house, or you own quite a bit of a Fortune 500 corporation, you are a physician or you are on the board at Micron. Nevertheless, when I ran by, an old overweight solo runner who was so far back that I could not even find the trash that the pack left behind, they came out in their front yards and cheered and clapped for me. It was a very humbling and uplifting experience. I even high fived a two year old. I love you, North End!
Okay, so what did I lose? When I took off the t-shirt, I forgot that my sunglasses were on top of my head, and evidently they dropped into the street. That accounts for two losses, the shirt and the sunglasses.
The third loss is kind of gross, and if you have a weak stomach, you may want to skip this and come back another day. You were warned.
When I took off my shoes at home, I could see that one of my toes looked deformed. It had a very huge blister underneath one of the toe nails. I will spare you the details, but later this month, that toenail fell off. Isn't that strange?
The positive side is that I got to wear one of my Hello Kitty band aids for a few days. I love Hello Kitty.
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Latest
In order to stop feeling guilty about all of the days I have missed blogging, I will attempt to give brief concise descriptions of things so I can move forward on another day without guilt.
The Marathon: I ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran some more. Various people in the North End cheered for me as I ran all by sweaty tired self, way behind almost everyone else. My husband rode his bike and encouraged me on Crescent Rim. My friend, Lynn, drove around in her car and gave me wonderful Gatorade at various times, and also ran the last five miles with me, or I do not believe that I would have finished. I hurt so much that the only way I could keep running was to sing my goofy Barry Manilow love song, Can't Live Without You to the Lord again. It honestly actually helped me to run, but poor, poor Lynn had to listen to me! She said that she had never seen (or heard, I imagine) a singing marathoner before. Since I sang it when we were running together, I briefly considered that the soccer players in the park would think we were lesbians, and decided that I was going to just concentrate on running the race and let other considerations go. I was so emotional that I had to stop singing from time to time or I would have sobbed. As I crossed the finish line, and they placed a medal around my neck, I had one big sob and then held back the tears. Mr. Sinta thoughtfully brought me a COLD DIET COKE for which I bless God!!! He also brought me some warm sweats to slip over my shorts and tank top because suddenly I was very cold and all my muscles started to seize up and if I thought I was in pain during the race, it was only a foretaste of that pain which was to come after the race. :)
I crawled into the truck, and went home and stood in the shower for at least an hour. I am not kidding! Then I made a big mistake and sat on a low sofa with no arms for about 3 or 4 hours, and I could not get up. I had to crawl to a doorway and a desk and pull myself up. Feeling 88 instead of 48 lasted about 3 days. I won't tell you how hard it was to get on and off of the potty, but I will just say that it was REALLY hard. I am very, very glad that I was able to run the marathon, it is something that I will remember until I die. I might run another one next year if I can lose 40 pounds first. I have no intention of every carrying 40 extra pounds over a finish line again...I took a month off from running and finally made it out today for a short and slow 3 miler. I am very happy to be on the road again. For some reason without much trying, I have lost about 13 pounds already. We theorize that it was because I was eating like a pig when I was training, and the loss of some muscle weight. I have determined that I will not run another marathon without an iPod because it is just very difficult to maintain the mental discipline if you end up running by yourself. I honestly do not have any idea why I ran a marathon. I asked myself that while I was running it. Wouldn't it have been prudent, you say, to have asked myself that before the race? Yes, but it never occurred to me.
The Election: I thought Mr. BO would win, but I was wishing and praying that he would not because he is a death sentence for the unborn. He also will not be doing any favors for the middle class, small businessmen, people who own guns, people who go to churches that he does not agree with, people who think logically, people who don't like having terrorists blow up their country, people who buy food at grocery stores or anyone who is not a Oprah fan. I am glad that the Marriage Amendments passed, glad and amazed.
My Novel: I am planning on beginning to write a novel in the next few days. It will be a private novel until I figure out what I am doing. Then, I will release it to the masses, travel around to Borders nationwide doing book signings and hire only photographers with special lenses which make me look skinny. Oh yes, when Oprah calls, I will be too busy to do the show.
My Dog: He is very, very cute and sweet and seems to have chosen me for his best friend. He follows me everywhere. I think that everyone else in the house is too busy for him, so he has adopted me. He also has seeds in his fur, and needs a thorough combing. He has managed to stay on the right side of the law, since the last time, and I have stayed out of court. For this, I am extremely thankful.
The School of Ministry: I would never have anticipated enjoying this as much as I do, but it is true. I really enjoy it. We just finished our second month. We are tested monthly in three subjects. So far, I have 6 A pluses.
All for now. In the near future, I can sign in with short snippets and write without guilt. Thank you for waiting for me, faithful readers. I am sorry for taking so long!
The Marathon: I ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran some more. Various people in the North End cheered for me as I ran all by sweaty tired self, way behind almost everyone else. My husband rode his bike and encouraged me on Crescent Rim. My friend, Lynn, drove around in her car and gave me wonderful Gatorade at various times, and also ran the last five miles with me, or I do not believe that I would have finished. I hurt so much that the only way I could keep running was to sing my goofy Barry Manilow love song, Can't Live Without You to the Lord again. It honestly actually helped me to run, but poor, poor Lynn had to listen to me! She said that she had never seen (or heard, I imagine) a singing marathoner before. Since I sang it when we were running together, I briefly considered that the soccer players in the park would think we were lesbians, and decided that I was going to just concentrate on running the race and let other considerations go. I was so emotional that I had to stop singing from time to time or I would have sobbed. As I crossed the finish line, and they placed a medal around my neck, I had one big sob and then held back the tears. Mr. Sinta thoughtfully brought me a COLD DIET COKE for which I bless God!!! He also brought me some warm sweats to slip over my shorts and tank top because suddenly I was very cold and all my muscles started to seize up and if I thought I was in pain during the race, it was only a foretaste of that pain which was to come after the race. :)
I crawled into the truck, and went home and stood in the shower for at least an hour. I am not kidding! Then I made a big mistake and sat on a low sofa with no arms for about 3 or 4 hours, and I could not get up. I had to crawl to a doorway and a desk and pull myself up. Feeling 88 instead of 48 lasted about 3 days. I won't tell you how hard it was to get on and off of the potty, but I will just say that it was REALLY hard. I am very, very glad that I was able to run the marathon, it is something that I will remember until I die. I might run another one next year if I can lose 40 pounds first. I have no intention of every carrying 40 extra pounds over a finish line again...I took a month off from running and finally made it out today for a short and slow 3 miler. I am very happy to be on the road again. For some reason without much trying, I have lost about 13 pounds already. We theorize that it was because I was eating like a pig when I was training, and the loss of some muscle weight. I have determined that I will not run another marathon without an iPod because it is just very difficult to maintain the mental discipline if you end up running by yourself. I honestly do not have any idea why I ran a marathon. I asked myself that while I was running it. Wouldn't it have been prudent, you say, to have asked myself that before the race? Yes, but it never occurred to me.
The Election: I thought Mr. BO would win, but I was wishing and praying that he would not because he is a death sentence for the unborn. He also will not be doing any favors for the middle class, small businessmen, people who own guns, people who go to churches that he does not agree with, people who think logically, people who don't like having terrorists blow up their country, people who buy food at grocery stores or anyone who is not a Oprah fan. I am glad that the Marriage Amendments passed, glad and amazed.
My Novel: I am planning on beginning to write a novel in the next few days. It will be a private novel until I figure out what I am doing. Then, I will release it to the masses, travel around to Borders nationwide doing book signings and hire only photographers with special lenses which make me look skinny. Oh yes, when Oprah calls, I will be too busy to do the show.
My Dog: He is very, very cute and sweet and seems to have chosen me for his best friend. He follows me everywhere. I think that everyone else in the house is too busy for him, so he has adopted me. He also has seeds in his fur, and needs a thorough combing. He has managed to stay on the right side of the law, since the last time, and I have stayed out of court. For this, I am extremely thankful.
The School of Ministry: I would never have anticipated enjoying this as much as I do, but it is true. I really enjoy it. We just finished our second month. We are tested monthly in three subjects. So far, I have 6 A pluses.
All for now. In the near future, I can sign in with short snippets and write without guilt. Thank you for waiting for me, faithful readers. I am sorry for taking so long!
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